The weekend buzz has already faded away and my coffee has yet to make up for it. As I’m sitting here listening to Gotye’s Hearts a Mess, I realize something. My heart is a mess.
Over the weekend I met up with a guy I met on Tinder. We all know how sketchy that can be but it was in a public place so it felt safe. We had been talking for a few months via text before this weekend so I was comfortable with the idea that he wasn’t going to try anything slick. To give him credit, he was brave enough to join in on a girl’s night but it worked out amazingly. He got the approval of my sister and was able to hold his own against one of my toughest friends. I mean she put him through the ringer, he handled the banter perfectly and the guy still texted me the next day. He’s funny, he’s super hot and he has his crap together- a good job, his own place, etc. He also had no quarrel with asking me to hang out again already. So what in God’s name could be the problem? Ugh. It’s me.
After going through a pretty awful divorce I found a guy who I thought was going to be my forever. He was literally everything I ever wanted in a guy and even now I say that any girl he is with is one lucky chick. But clearly, that indicates that things ended between us. He wasn’t ready and that crushed me. I moved literally thousands of miles away because I knew if I stayed by him I would never move on. Thank God for that decision because eventually I did. Eventually I started dating again. However it led from strike out to strike out. My life moved quickly from one emotionally unavailable guy to another. But emotionally unavailable guys are “safe” to date for my purposes because I can tell immediately that they are closed off. Dating guys that are emotionally unavailable allows for us to keep ourselves walled off too. It’s easy and far less messy. During this period in my life though, I took the time to learn about myself. It helped regulate the fluctuation from all the rollercoaster rides of the dating (or lack thereof) scene. I learned who I was and what was important to me. I learned things I didn’t want to compromise on and I set goals for myself.
All of this leads me back to this weekend and my point. I had this wonderful encounter with this man that I hope to continue, however I am experiencing a massive amount of fear.
False Expectations Affecting Reality
False Expectations Affecting Reality: My current reaction is that what has happened to me in the past is going to happen again. My false expectations are affecting my reality. Not every guy is going to cheat on me. Not every guy is going to ask me to give up my entire life for them- to delay my dreams and aspirations. Not every guy is going to expect me to let go of all the things I learned that I love about myself. Not every guy is just going to want to sleep with me. Just because it has happened in the past, doesn’t mean that every guy is going to break my heart. So I have two real options with this new guy.
F*ck Everything And Run
F*ck Everything And Run- I can keep living in my fear and decide to just put walls up again. This often, includes me staying home for extended periods of time and pretending like I am busy so I don’t have to interact with anyone. I can go back to dating the jerks that don’t show any emotions. I can allow the fear to get the best of me but in return I will be choosing to pass up on this guy who appears to be a good catch. I can let the past affect my future and I can run from it or I can choose a different path.
Face Everything And Rise
Face Everything And Rise: My second option includes facing my past. I need to own up to it by accepting that things didn’t work out for one reason or another and put it behind me for good. The crap that people put me through in the past can end now. I can accept to move forward. For all I know this guy could be “the one,” for real this time. If I let the past and the associated fear get to me, I could lose out on something amazing. So instead, I can face my fears and at least see where it leads me.
I run under the pretense that everyone has been hurt by something or someone before. We have all had our run-ins with emotional pain. But we can’t let that ruin our future. It’s like trying to move forward with our feet stuck in cement. So today, I am making the choice. Forget the past. I am not letting fear get the best of me. I am going to face my past, make peace with the pain it has caused me and I am going to let it go. This guy deserves a chance and I am not going to let fear ruin it. Who knows? He could turn out to be the Prince Charming I’ve been waiting for.
By Contributor Writer: Layla McKinley