First off, we all hate the word “but” and secondly we hate when someone precursors it with a compliment because you know it is going down hill from there.
We have all been in these positions where we start to get to know someone, start to let our guard down, get to know them and then bam they use the good ole excuse of ‘I like you but I am not looking for a relationship.’ It pulls you back and you rethink what his intentions were of pursuing you, getting to know you and awakening a heart that was just fine where it was.
We run through our minds how:
He can say so many sweet things, be so open with us, and yet, he cannot give us what we want, which is usually a committed relationship.
Of course we play out all the excuses in our heads to justify his behavior: Maybe he is under a lot of pressure at work; Maybe he was hurt by an ex; Maybe he is scared to be ‘tied down’; Maybe he is getting attached so he is freaking out and wants to run; Or maybe he likes you but is afraid he will never be good enough.
Despite all of the possible reasons, if a guy says he does not want to be in a relationship, he means it. Surely, he cares about you, enjoys his time with you and does like you. But, it’s simply not enough.
This is very hard for many of us to accept because we have to decide where to go from there. Do you continue to hang out them with no hope for a future or do you drop it like its hot right then and there?
We all look for guidance on what to do and what is the best thing for us. Sometimes because of our past we let that dictate our decisions. Sometimes we walk away so quickly and other times we stay.
We have all been there and we all wish we could have been given advice on what to do, however when you encounter situations like this there are a few things to remember:
- First and foremost…if you are starting to play games with your own head and you are over thinking the situation- Walk Away. It is a miserable feeling when you invest your time and emotions into someone and remain unsure of where you stand.There is no need to add stress about a situation in your head.
- Have the conversation with the guy: Lay it out there. When he says he ‘likes you but’ ask him exactly what that means. If after he shares it and you are still confused…repeat it back and tell him what you want. There is no need to be confused about anything. It takes a lot to talk about it but if you don’t you could walk away from a misunderstanding or stay thinking there still could be potential
- Do not become “crazy”: I truthfully believe this saying “I like you but…” has caused more girls to go crazy than many other things. It is a feeling of rejection and we want to do everything in our power to not feel rejected so we sometimes do things out of the ordinary because of it. All this is going to do is make matters worst.
- Keep all the drama between the both of you: If you were not dating, stop acting like it. If you bring his friends in, talk about it to them, etc you are going to makes matters worst. Being an adult means being mature about all of these situations.
- If you hear this line and the guy still wants to date and get to know you, just make sure you are 100% okay with the outcome never being dating forever: He told you upfront he didn’t want to date so there are not any surprises so if he makes you dinner 15 nights in a row, you still have to remind yourself he doesn’t want to date. Once you have the exceptions out there that it will become that even after he told you, it is your own heart that will be broken.
- Remember he is not your ex: As much as it is hard to not compare them, you can’t. You can learn from your past but you have to remember they are the same person.
- It is your decision: So many times we listen to our friends… we take their advice and everyone has their own opinion. Remember it is your decision. You have to create your own happiness whether that means walking away or staying.
- Stay true to yourself: If you really like him but know you don’t want to stay in a situation with no future, have the strength to walk away. Respect yourself to make the decision that is best for you regardless of how hard it is.
- This is not a reflection on you: Most of us see this as a reflection of ourselves. We think if only we did more for him, or if only they were prettier, the result would be different. The sad truth, however, is nothing you do or say will change the way he feels. To make it your problem will only cause unnecessary hurt.
- Remove yourself from the situation: We all know it is hard to remove ourselves as we have invested our time and energy however if you stay you will focus on what you want to hear instead of the red flags because you want the relationship to go somewhere.
- Do not cling on to the small glimpse of hope: He said he did not want a relationship, do not rationalize for all the reasons to stay with him.
- Do not grasp for set ultimatums: You were not setting random goals when things were good right? Then why should you now….goals like “if he doesn’t call by Friday, I am done” those types of things will never make you happy only drive you insane.
I know it is easier said than done. We want to soothe ourselves and believe that someday he will come around. We compromise on our values and then become upset. There is no easy fix however making sure you do not give less of yourself is the ultimate goal. It is not you, it is him. If he likes you, and I mean really likes you, it will be obvious because he will make the effort. If the absence of the obvious is prolonged, there you have it.