You know the days where the sun is shining, your windows are down and you are just staring into space? The days where you start thinking about all the memories you had with someone. Their laugh, their smile, the way they did their hair, looked in a cut off, the way they looked at you or mainly the way they made you feel alive and free every time you were with them.
I had one of those days. Actually, I have had a lot of them. Anyone that knows me knows when it comes to dating I cannot share my feelings. When it comes to friends, I can. I am not sure why I can with friends and not lovers, but maybe it is because I have just been broken before and thinking about going through that again scares me. It scares me enough that when a guy walks away, I now walk away too. No fighting for him, no making him want me, nothing. But even though I cannot predict the future and I have no idea if you will walk back into my life, today I miss you.
His name was Anthony and the minute he walked into the party, I knew he was someone I wanted to get to know. Unfortunately for me, he was seeing someone at the time. We got to know each other as friends and we continue to grow as friends. After him and his partner ended things, we all went to the bar one evening only for me to randomly get the courage to ask why he has never gotten my number. Talk about out of the blue, must have been alcohol courage. After that, he shared he had been wanting to for a while. We got to know each other even more, and as time went on he continued to ask me out on dates…and guess what? I said no multiple times. Looking back, I was an idiot to say no, something just held me back. Probably because I was scared, scared he wouldn’t like me once he got to know me, scared I would fall for him and get my heart broken but mainly because that meant I was saying yes to maybe having feelings for someone again, leaving my broken, crazy past behind me.
One crazy day, I decided to say yes. Yes to a date. Then another one and another one after that. I kept wanting to get to know him, get to know his crazy dreams, and become closer to him. Months of fun eventually came to an end. It is every girls embarrassing story to share that you were not the one for someone at the time, or that they didn’t see a future with you, especially when the thing I was scared most about came true. I never told him my past, I never wanted to be treated differently because of what I had gone through and I think that made it even harder. I had my guard up, and the minute he said he wanted less, I decided to wash my hands clean of him. Months have gone by with a few conversations and some that last hours, it makes me miss everything about him. Everything that we did, everything he taught me and everything that I finally thought I wanted.
Every time I think of the ending, I wish I could change it. I wish there was a freeze button or a repeat button so I can go back to those moments because he made me feel something I had not felt in 5 years. People always told me it would happen again for me, I didn’t believe them. I never believed I would put myself out there, enjoy someone’s company for longer than a month (my per usual lasting dating life) and smile every time I thought of them.
However, I learned so much. I learned it is possible to feel again for someone. For that, I am thankful for every experience. It sucks a lot though, because I wanted more time with you, I still want more time with you. However, the stubborn, bull-headed, non-vulnerable woman that I am will never call to say I miss you, will never say that I hate you for how you ended things or anything of that sort. Instead, I will continue to grow as a person, be independent and work my butt off to continue to follow my dreams.
One thing is for sure, those days when the sun is shining, a certain song we use to sing in the car comes on or someone says your name, it makes me miss you. It makes me feel as though, that chapter of my life wasn’t supposed to be over however sometimes it isn’t our choice and as frustrating, annoying, crazy and stupid as that is, we all have to believe that what is meant to be will always happen.
Love is a strong, scary word, like is a less scary and wanting to get to know someone makes us vulnerable. I don’t regret anything, I just wish we could of gotten to know each other more, gotten to make more memories, but I am thankful that you accepted me for the time being for who I was.