Life is really hard. We all have events, times, tragedies and happiness that shape us into the person we are in this very moment.
I have had many of those times myself, one of them being my biggest yet best battle and success, of beating anorexia. There are very few words that can sum up the pain of an eating disorder. It is a pain that words can’t capture, feelings cant show and life doesn’t get, but I do. It is a pain deep deep within your soul that you feel like no one can take away. It’s more exhausting than running miles after miles. More exhausting than anything you can possibly do. It can’t compare to any other exhaustion because it’s a battle with yourself. It is a battle with your body. It is A fight with your mind and a battle with those who love you. It is like a riptide that won’t let up, keeps pulling you in and spitting you out. It is a tornado who destructs everything in its path.
Pain is smart. Pain also serves a purpose.
Pain is what gives us the fuel to fight. I have thought a lot before about why in the world pain exists. It feels like it does absolutely nothing for anyone.
Why do we have to feel pain?
I believe from experience that pain is our souls best friend. Best friends are there to tell you the truth even when it hurts. They are there to say to you to keep pushing forward. You need friends, and you need to go through pain. If pain didn’t exist like my eating disorder, I might not be the girl I am who is writing this. I wouldn’t appreciate life, moments and every second. I may not have known happiness if I never experienced pain because pain is what makes us want to fight for our life. Pain is apart of your soul. It is apart of every single one of us. It is not something to be scared of; it’s something to learn from. It is something you learn to walk in and not run.
Did I know all of this and believe it when I was in the most horrible times for 5 years?
NO. I didn’t, nor if I did, I wouldn’t have believed it. Because the feelings within the disease would not have ever let me realize my pain is okay and needed. If it had let me see that, it would lose me, and that’s an eating disorders fear.
I am just another girl but what makes me different is I can stare pain in the face and say THANK YOU.
Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for helping me become the best version of me.
When you can finally look at your pain, loss, trauma or whatever life throws at you in the face and know it is there for a reason, I promise you will experience freedom. I am not saying it is easy. I am not saying that the pain you have been through is okay. It is not okay. Pain, most of the time, consists of horrible, horrible things. I am never saying I am glad anything terrible happened to anyone. I am saying you are stronger from it. What happened and brought you pain didn’t take you. It made you, YOU.
No matter how deep you are in your eating disorder. It is never too deep. You are stronger. The disease doesn’t have a heart, mind or voice. It is you that does.
I promise it is worth using and living for!