Today I came to the realization that we are over. It took me three years, multiple tears and a million thoughts, but I realize we are over. I have been trying to wrap my head around the idea of losing you forever, through all our short breaks of zero talk or the amount of time we dated other people, I always believed we would find a way to make it work.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
Today and tomorrow and the rest of my life we will be done. As I have said this before, the silence and the feeling of guilt for things I didn’t do, came over me. I sat in my room with tears streaming down my eyes because I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. The drama, the hatred from others, the rumors, the words not given, the effort not given and the thought that I was not worth it came over me. I am and always will be done. I am not saying that this was an easy road to get to and I am not saying that tomorrow that I am going to wake up not missing you, but that’s part of the process right? When you love someone sometimes you have to let them go. From my position I have to let go of the bullshit feed to me and the lies that were given. I may have loved you but I have learned my own value through this process and I respect myself to much to continue to be mistreated.
Knowing your own value takes time, I think for me I always knew it but these moments of weaknesses or when a particular person crushes you, you forget you do not have to deal with it. I was taught to never give up and to always fight for things you believe in but I also learned with relationships the roads and the things I have been taught in life are very different. Relationships take two people, two people happy and willing to work for everything together. You were not willing to fight for us, you were not willing to fight for me, to you I wasn’t worth it. This may be the hardest thing to accept about everything. As I sat there in tears, I was thinking how I wanted you to comfort me and how I wanted you to be the person to fix it then I realize you don’t want to be that person, you don’t want to be my first thought of the day, the person I call up to talk about something random, who fixes things or makes me feel okay. You don’t want to be part of my life either or I would have seen the effort.
You can make every excuse in the book of why you weren’t there for me but three years of being part time in my life doesn’t cut it, I get that one time but three years. I settled for your bullshit because I knew the real you, I knew that amazing guy in you but I realized you didn’t know that person. You don’t believe in yourself or your potential. I have watched you put yourself through a lot more than I ever thought you should of. I would love to say you deserve the world but right now I don’t feel that way. Right now I want to be your world, I wanted to be that girl you were proud to have instead of making excuses toward me about things….. you never loved me because you don’t destroy people you love. All I wanted to be was the worth the fight.
Now all I have is silence, unanswered questions and tears streaming down my eyes. I may never understand why you had to play with my heart or why I was not deserving of your love but others were. But I also learned I worried way to much and dwelled to much trying and I guess that’s when I can finally say I am done. I will always care about you and I may have loved you but I do not like you anymore.
So in the end I DESERVE more but so do you. You put yourself through way to much bullshit and drama in your own life and I hope someday you realize you don’t deserve that stuff. You do not deserve to settle instead I hope you find self love and see how deserving you are of things in life. For me I deserve just as much. I allowed myself to be part of something I shouldn’t have been, and I allowed myself to deal with your bullshit because of my feelings. But we both deserve better and I hope we find the happiness one day.
I will always care about you and a little bit of me will always love you. There is a piece of me that still believes our story isn’t finished, but I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for.
This post is to the girls that have been there. I have been able to take your stories and put them into something that shows we all deserve better than what we settle for sometimes.