Vulnerability is both a blessing and a curse. You feel raw and exposed, yet immensely empowered. You’re emotionally drained, and mentally and physically exhausted all the time. You feel like you’ve laid it all out on the line and now just hope for the best.
This is where I’m at in this point of my life. Days away from turning 25, I feel incredibly lost. Uncertain. Nowhere near where I pictured myself at this stage of my life. Shouldn’t I have stuff figured out by now? Shouldn’t things be a little more settled? Shouldn’t I know exactly who I am, where I want to be, what I want to do and who I want to be with? So why instead does my life feel more chaotic, more uncertain, more vulnerable than ever before?
It seems like every day, another one of my friends has gotten engaged, had a wedding, started a family, moved to a new city and seem to be on a forward progression with their own life. But me? I feel stuck, uncertain of what lies ahead and unsure of where to go from here. Life seems so unfocused. It’s thrown caution to the wind with reckless abandon and has left me to pick up and sort out the pieces. But where do I begin? How do I settle the dust and get back to feeling secure and stable? Is that even possible anymore?
How does one even begin to make sense of all this uncertainty? How do I even begin to answer the questions that linger in every aspect of my life?
I’ve reached a new crossroad in my life, but my options seem a little less clear this time around. I feel like I’m constantly asking myself if I’m happy with where I’m at or if I envision something different for myself? Do I continue down this path and just hope it leads me to where I ultimately want to be? Or do I jump ship and create more chaos in order to settle things down? Do I play it safe or take a risk? Which path will end up hurting me more in the long run? How big of risk do I need to take in order to get more stability back in my life?
I feel like I’m at one of those distinct points in my life where I will look back to years from now and see how this moment in time defined my future. It seems so miniscule now that I’m in the midst of it, but I’m also aware of the potential impact it may have on the trajectory of the rest of my life.
I’m currently staring into the abyss that is my future and nothing seems certain anymore. I thought I knew exactly who I was and where I wanted to be. But nothing has turned out the way I had imagined and I don’t know where to proceed from here.
It’s this intense feeling of vulnerability that is stomach-churning and wrought with every emotion on the spectrum. I go through moments of panic where I feel like I’m going to suffocate, followed closely by a mental breakdown and fits of hysteria, and ending with me calmly coming to terms with where I’m at in life and actually feeling content. But this is also the most empowering, humbling and exciting time of my adult life. I can’t say where I’ll end up, but I’m confident it will be even better than expected.